A positive discipline approach: Fair agreements and consequences

A definition of consequences I like is, ‘something that follows as a result for our actions’.

We create our own consequences in our lives. An excellent example of this for yourself as a parent is the positive changes you can create in your life when you focus on what you can change rather than what is beyond your control.

A fair and consistent coaching agreement is within your control and it is the foundation of a successful and respectful positive discipline approach. A fair coaching agreement describes exactly what behaviours you expect from your child, what support they can expect from you, and all the related consequences.

Behaviours and their consequences when clearly described leave no room for disagreement, confusion, argument or disappointment and frustration. For example any ‘good student’ behaviour is one that helps your child work well when being coached, and any ‘bad student’ behaviour is behaviour that stops them from working well. You can decide together what exactly  ‘good student behaviour’ and ‘bad student behaviour’  is; and then come to agreements about all the related consequences. I adapted ideas from ‘assertive discipline’ methods from Lee Cantor used to help teachers work with negative behaviours in classrooms. They can work as well for us when we want our children to learn how to be good students. Indeed we can use these ideas to help our children learn how to develop behaviours to become helpful and more independent children.

A definition of ‘consequence’: Something that happens as a result of a particular action or set of conditions. We often stop noticing the positive things our children are doing because we are so worried about the negative unhelpful things. If you don’t like the ‘bad’ and ‘good’ terms, you can find other words that work better for you. Find ways to give lots more positive acknowledgement and recognition of ‘good student’ behaviour, while still including negative consequences for ‘bad student’ behaviour. For instance, depending on the child, I might describe their behaviour as ‘acting like a mature student’ or ‘not acting maturely’ or I might use age as a measure and say that they are ‘acting like a mature nine year old’.

I have found that positive discipline works for anyone. I use it with very young children, teens, young adults, whether they have disabilities or not. A strong belief underlying this approach is that our children choose moment by moment how they will behave; and even when a student seems to be acting out of control and seems unable to behave as a ‘good student’ does, they at some point choose to lose control and act badly, and so are still responsible for their actions.

I believe that we adults often underestimate our children’s awareness and intelligence. I am still amazed at how fast a child can make radical changes in behaviour when they really do want the positive consequences and do want to avoid the negative consequences.  I have found that  children with disabilities are especially allowed to behave in ways that are considered unacceptable for children without disabilities. I myself have been guilty of that. I’ve learnt to realise that I was being disrespectful of them when I didn’t allow some room for the belief that even the most extreme and seemingly compulsive behaviour may be able to be modified by them over time. In my experience with my daughter who has Asperger’s Syndrome, and with other children and young adults with disabilities, many consciously and unconsciously, make choices about how they will act, even when that does not seem the case at the time; and when there are clear agreed-upon positive and negative consequences for their actions, behaviours that they seemed unable to change, do change.

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Warmly,

Anne