A positive discipline approach.
I believe that it is up to us as the parents to discipline our children so they can learn to discipline themselves.
To do this well we need to stay respectful and remain consistent with them and I encourage you to remain respectfully tough while consistently expecting high standards of behaviour, however they behave. But this can be easier said than done!
Many families waste valuable energy and time because they either listen to their child too much and so feel powerless and exhausted by the excessive arguments and discussion, or they are afraid of losing control of the coaching situation so don’t listen enough, and their child feels powerless and resentful. If either scenarios sound like you and your child, read on. You can change how you interact with your child by making small changes in how you think and how you act.
I have called this discipline approach ‘a positive discipline approach’ because rather than feeling powerless and frustrated, you and your child will both feel that you have enough power and control in your lives. Your child is in charge of their behaviours and they choose any associated consequences. You are in charge of monitoring their behaviour and making sure that the consequences happen as agreed.
Many of my ideas come from Lee Canter. I like his simple and practical explanations. Lee Canter (1992) has taught many classroom teachers how to use discipline wisely and well with students. You can adapt his flexible ideas to suit your particular living situation and beliefs. What is excellent about his discipline method is that the focus is not on ‘bad student’ behaviours but on recognising ‘good student’ behaviours. As well, you are never the bad guy punishing them; instead your child and you have come to an agreement about what the negative and positive consequences are for certain behaviours and then they choose those consequences through their own actions.
Your child will learn to take responsibility for their own behaviours and responses.
An important and exciting side-effect of using a positive discipline approach is that your child learns that they have the power to change their behaviours in an acceptable way to create the outcomes or consequences they want.
You can stay in control of your own responses more easily too.
Another major strength of a positive discipline is that you can respond quickly and assertively and with confidence to your child’s negative behaviours. Before you may have reacted negatively when your child wasn’t cooperating with you and expressed anger, resentment, sarcasm or helplessness. When you both create an agreement about what exactly are acceptable and unacceptable behaviours, and their associated consequences you will find it much easier to be fair and consistent and calm and reasonable, and you will ague less with them.
You will no longer come from a position of weakness where you chose moment by moment how to respond to your child’s ‘bad’ or ‘good’ behaviours and you don’t need to get involved or feel highly emotional about what they are doing or not doing anymore. Instead you both will understand that they have made a choice knowing the consequences of that choice and all you have to do is step out of the way as your child experiences the results of their behaviours.
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Warmly,
Anne
Families as Coaches 